At my recent murder trial, I represented myself and waived my right to a jury trial. I served on a jury once and decided they were morons, not to be trusted, and vowed I would never throw myself at their mercy.
Besides, the judge at my preliminary hearing was cute, and she would also be at my trial. I looked forward to being invited to her chambers.
I intended to hire an attorney on a contingency basis for my countersuit against Beaufort County, SC, for malicious prosecution.
I fell asleep during the prosecution’s case. Did we need a coroner to tell us the cause of death was being hit by my car? Or the witnesses who saw me continue driving after striking Mr. Radcliff? On cross-examination, they all admitted that I did not speed up after hitting the deceased. That’s a point in my favor.
After three hours, the prosecution rested, and the judge adjourned for lunch, giving me two hours before I presented my defense. Two hours in Beaufort is like a week anywhere else, so after getting a pack of M&Ms and a Diet Coke in the vending machines, I sat in the courtroom and continued working on my next book, THE COLIGNY BEACH MURDERS.
At 2:00, the court was called to order, and her honor, Judge Hotsy, said, “Mr. Lazarus, you may call your first witness.”
I stood and said, “What witnesses? We heard from all of them, and they missed the point. I move to dismiss the case, as the prosecution has not proven that I violated any laws.”
“Your motion is denied, Mr. Lazarus. You killed a man and kept driving.”
“Seemingly, your honor, but I wish to enter into evidence my first and only exhibit.”
I walked up to the easel and placed this sign on it:
“As you can see, your honor, I am the victim in this unfortunate incident. The damage to my car was slight and will not exceed my $1,000 deductible, so I will not be suing Mr. Radcliff’s estate. The deceased might not have read or seen this sign, but ignorance of the law is no excuse.
I have a 3:00 tee time, might we end this charade now?”
Her honor proclaimed, “Case dismissed. Mr. Lazarus, I will see you in my chambers.”
Twenty minutes later, I left the courtroom in time to make my tee time and my 8:00 dinner with the judge.